essen | (no subject)

I was worried. You told me you'd tell me when you were leaving...

Are you okay?

CUDNT STAY NO FUKIN WAY

KINDA

Would it have killed you to say goodbye? What if something had happened to you? You kind of have a track record for being kidnapped.

What happened?

it mite hav

taked about trost told him he saved u and mikasa he was a big cribaby but i was an asshole

... armin

wat if he dosnt come back and it fuks shit up wat if he dosnt save you

dont die armin...

Eren...

I don't plan on dying. Besides, I heard from someone that while we're here time back home doesn't pass. Things are paused.

I'll be okay, Eren. We both will. We've things to see and things to do. We can't go swimming in the Ocean if we're dead, right?

yea

we cant

...

come over

I'll be there in fifteen, okay?

OK

_{[And true to his word Armin comes over, not having bothered to change out of his pjs but at least had enough sense to pull his cloak around him as he makes the trip over to Eren and Ymir's apartment. There's a soft knock on the door that signals his arrival as he waits for Eren to answer, shuffling in place anxiously.]}

[ Eren gets up, knowing full well that knock is from Armin. He hauls himself over to the door, a little clumsy from another night with little sleep, and opens the door, looking down at him with a strange wash of relief in his eyes. ]

Thanks... c'mon in.

[ And he steps aside for him, keeping his voice low. ]

_{[He follows in without a word, making sure to take off his boots after he enters. From the initial sight the place is a disaster and if it had been any other time, Armin would've scolded Eren about the state of his living space. For now however, Armin's distaste goes unvoiced. He's far more concerned about the boy living here rather than what he was living in.]}

[ Eren just glides back over to the couch, collapsing to sit on it with his arms draping over his face. His chest heaves with a long sigh before his fingers curl into loose fists. ]

Armin... do you think I'm the stupid one? For wanting to go home?

_{[There's a moment of wavering before Armin takes a seat right next to his friend, removing his cloak only to set his hands gently in his lap.]}

Not at all Eren.

_{[Eren wasn't stupid for wanting to return to their world. Sure, this place didn't have Titans but it was a cage all the same. At least back home they had the choice and power to try and change their lives, they had the promise of a world outside. What did they have here aside from carnal and materialistic distractions?]}

I want to go home too, despite what may happen.

_{[He can only hope he survives the ordeal he'd been placed in by the Commander's orders.]}

[ Eren just sits there, quietly thankful that Armin's in the same boat as him. He should have known better. There's more than one reason he and Armin have the same dream, right?

He sighs again and lifts his arms off his face, turning and grabbing Armin under his arms, hauling him over into his lap with one fluid motion.

His arms snake around him immediately and his face goes into his shoulder, breathing in that strange fruity smell that now masked what he knew to be 'Armin's scent and holding onto him for dear life. ]

_{[Eren drags him into his lap without protest before those very arms are squeezing him tight, as if his very life depended on it. It isn't the first time Eren's clung to him, nor is it strange for Armin to do the same in return. The feel of Eren's nose and forehead digging into his shoulder is as familiar as sunrise as his own arms move automatically to return the embrace. It's no different than when they were younger, grasping onto each other with grubby, dirty hands out of warmth and comfort.

They're both in the same, small rickety boat that's been tossed to sea. The water's more often than not rough instead of calm, but at least they're together. If the boat capsizes they'll sink or swim together. Whatever happens they'll face it together, and that's all that matters in the end.

Fingers move to soothe as he traces out the outline of Eren's spine beneath his shirt, counting each and every vertebra absentmindedly.]}

We've the whole world to see - our world. The Ocean's waiting for us, right?

[ Eren doesn't relax when he's held, though inside, he appreciates it. He can always count on those arms to return every hug. The three of them could lean on each other any which way and the others would accept. That's how they've been in the worst of times.

His voice drops dangerously low, threatening to betray him as he tries in his sleepless fatigue to keep his shit together. He knows he's holding Armin's too tightly, but if he lets go even a little, he's sure he'll slip away. ]

What if I lose you or her before we get there? Or both? I don't... want to see it alone.

_{[Eren's grip is tight and hurts a bit, but it's just another reminder that he's alive, that they're both alive. His breath is shallow against Eren's chest, ribs crushed against ribs as he inhales and exhales, doing his best to keep calm himself. The run of his fingers down Eren's back continues like an unspoken mantra.

Eren's fears weren't strictly his and his alone - Armin shared them all too clearly himself. He'd already lived through the experience of watching in horror as Eren had been swallowed to his supposed death, all because of him. Eren should have died back then, and even though he hadn't, the guilt Armin held then was still ever present and carried. He was the reason Eren died, or should have. For some reason Eren had valued his life over his own and had cast him free, saving him from what should of been his death. The moments after that ordeal were a blur, but he can still remember vividly having to tell Mikasa of Eren's death - even now it causes his chest and lungs to constrict, the heavy hearted guilt flaring up to choke him if he thinks too hard about it.

He remembers how hopeless he felt, remembers handing over his gas to Mikasa, selecting one of the broken blades as a means to end his own life as he did his best to usher her and Connie away. He would have done it too, an incision to his jugular, if they had simply left him there. But they hadn't. They hadn't left him behind. Sometimes he replays the moment over in his mind when it bubbles to the surface and he realizes, with no shortage of horror, that if they had left him behind not only would he be dead but he'd have left Eren behind in the end, causing him grief he'd never wish upon anyone, especially someone he held so dear.

There's a swallow as he steels himself to bring it up. It's hard to talk about and he does his best to keep his voice from wavering as he admits something he kept silent about until now.]}

...Remember when you threw me out of the Titan when I was about to be swallowed whole? We all thought you had died. Mikasa had run out of gas and so I gave her mine. I told her and Connie to leave me be, and took one of the broken blades that was left over. I was going to kill myself, Eren. I didn't want to be eaten and the other two had a chance to survive with the gas I had left. I was going to end it all, right then and there, but they wouldn't leave me behind. Imagine if they had...Imagine if I had died but you ended up coming back just like you did and had to live through the agony I'd felt then.

_{[His voice grows even more quiet as he freezes up in Eren's vice-like grip, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt.]}

That thought...it haunted me, Eren. I never want you to feel what I felt that day. I thought about it sometimes...what if one of us died before we reached the shoreline...but after that I promised myself something: even if I have to drag myself there, bleeding or missing a limb, even if I have to go alone and you or Mikasa aren't by my side anymore...I won't be alone. I'll always have you here...

_{[It's then fingers move to press against the back of Eren's head, only to slip quietly down toward their middles, wedging in between their chests to press over where Eren's heart beat, very much alive, in his chest.]}

...and most importantly here. I'll never give up again. No matter how hopeless it seems, Eren, and you of all people can't. You're as much my hope as everyone else's. I can't promise I know what will happen in the future...but we won't see the Ocean alone. As long as you keep me in your thoughts, you'll never be alone. You've to live for me as much as I will for you and our dream Eren...promise me that.

Edited 2014-02-24 08:15 (UTC)

[ Eren's quiet, but he's listening. His arms slump a little, finally giving Armin room to breathe. They trade squeezing for gripping at the fabric of his shirt, trembling from how tightly he's clutching his fists.

They hadn't talked about that time in a while. They haven't had the opportunity. Eren's been busily juggled between too many events to really talk about any of it. Had he even told Armin about Levi's Squad? He can't remember, but it makes his hands grip tighter, almost biting into themselves through the barrier of the fabric.

He listens, but he shakes his head slowly against the crook of his neck. No, he doesn't want to imagine that right now. He can't imagine how hopeless he would have felt. All of that to save him... and then he'd be dead, just like Marco. There was no way he'd let them burn Armin on a pile like that, though. There's no way the greedy siblings would allow it. They'd kill people before they let them take this body away to be mixed with the ashes of countless strangers. He couldn't stand it... if the titans took him away, too. It had been terrifying enough to see Mikasa in their grip, to see her giving up, in tears. Armin, too?

No, no... no... no no no no....

He remembers to breathe when Armin's hand lays on his chest. It's a long exhale, bringing him back to reality again, and suddenly he feels the growing dampness on his face. This is a mess. He should have just left Armin alone instead of being selfish.

He's so good at being even minded. At seeing past everything and understanding what really needs to be focused on, even when Eren, realist Eren, loses track of everything in his emotions. He peels his face from his shoulder to give him the respect he deserves, a look in the eyes though his sharp face is wavering at best. ]

I promise.

_{[The hand he'd rested on Eren's chest slides up to cup one of his cheeks in his palm, thumb smoothing away tears as best he can. Eren's face is damp and it takes all of Armin's own resolve to keep himself from becoming just as teary-eyed. Somehow he manages, somehow, despite the heavy air around them and the weights in their hearts he manages a smile. Those two little words were all he needed to hear, all he needed to be reassured.

It isn't strange being this close, it's only increasingly natural, and as fun as kissing had been before it had been comforting too. He doesn't think much about it when he leans in to press his lips softly against Eren's, a wordless promise of his own. He'd be there at Eren's side for as long as fate allowed him to be. He'd do whatever he could and whatever he had to, so long as Eren remained safe and, ultimately, someday happy.]}

[ For it being asshole o'clock, Armin's definitely the pillar of strength at this god forsaken hour. Keeping any ounce of himself together had been a feat for Eren and he's already crumbled. Armin, dragged out of his house, who'd practically run over here, was comforting him effectively without even a sliver of breaking showing through.

He doesn't expect the kiss when he should, but it sinks through his cry-heated body like cool water and, with a stutter sob, slowly calms him down. He rests his forehead against Armin's, just looking at him, trying to remind himself that no matter what, he's made it so far, and he's alive right here and now. ]

_{[Sometimes his composure surprises even himself. It isn't uncommon for Armin to end up in a pile of tears and snot but when it comes to Eren's sanity and stability he has to be strong, he has to keep it together for him. When the whole world is falling around them, bodies of their comrades and those they cherish dropping to the ground they have to be there to support one another. It's vital.

The kiss doesn't last long - it isn't meant to be something heated or driven by passion. It's overall a source of comfort, a kiss to make it all better, much how a mother would kiss her child's scrapes and bruises better. This time though the wounds are on the inside and a kiss to the lips is all Armin can do to try and patch them up.

Eren's forehead is warm against his as he stares into his eyes, noses bumping when the kiss is broken. Fingers wander into Eren's hair, tips brushing through and ever gentle. He wants Eren to feel at ease. He wants him to relax. He wants him to feel safe.]}

We'll be okay, Eren.

[ His forehead rubs gently against Armin as he nods slowly, eyes finally shutting as he takes a long moment to even his breathing out. The grip on his shirt loosens and his arms move to wrap around his shoulders instead.

He rests his head on Armin's shoulder again, finding it much easier to do when Armin is in his lap and not vice-versa. There's so much more of this conversation to be had, but he's spent on it already. He's been mulling over it for hours as it is. Spilling out the biggest concern at Armin is the best he can do. Soaking in Armin's comfort is all he wants to do, now. ]

... Jean stop sulking about it after I left?

_{[There are even some things that Armin won't tell Eren entirely - one of those things is that Jean pretty much broke down at one point, crying. He has enough respect for the other boy he won't mention his tears.]}

Eventually.

_{[Is what he offers for an answer, far more preoccupied with letting his fingers roam through Eren's hair, toying absentmindedly with strands near the nape of his neck.]}

[ He makes a strange growl in his throat, nose crinkling as he leans back on the couch finally and tips Armin along with him. ]

... He deserved it, since he brought it up and came over to fuck with me in the first place, but... I still feel kind of shitty about it.

_{[As proud that Armin is to hear that Eren feels somewhat shitty for getting into a fight with Jean, it is Jean's fault if he's the one who instigated it. Where Eren goes on the couch Armin follows without protest, comfortable to simply be kept close.]}

If he's the one who started it...then I have to agree with you, but it is hard for him Eren. I can't imagine how hard it'd be to only start dealing with the loss of your best friend, only to suddenly have them returned to you. He has to come to terms with it, of course, but it's difficult.

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